It's All About The Hair...
by Bara no Mana Hime
Summary: Schuldig and Crawford battle it out... Pantene Pro-V or Herbal Essences? And which one's for the Uke?


It was another normal morning in the household where the members of the dread assassin group Schwarz resided. Why were they dread assassins? Why, because of their super nifty powers, of course! There was the leader of the dread assassin group, Brad Crawford, who had the miraculous ability to not die laughing when feminine men in bondage coats ran after him with a Katana shouting 'Shi-ne!' in a way that was supposed to be menacing, but that really, was not.

Then, there was Nagi, who attended 'I Float Stuff' help groups every Tuesdays and Thursdays, except when he had to help his fellow dread assassins assassinate someone. His nifty powers were: the ability to get bitch-slapped into next week by their most reputable leader, living through romps in the back hall closet with psychos partial to knives, and falling for blue haired girls who had the mental agility of small soap dishes.

And second to last be the redheaded one, Schuldig, called guilty. His were the talents of really high jumping, pimping at night, and an endless supply of fangirl protectors. And last was the ability to also keep a lover, an assassin of light. They fought viciously at night, but during day made it like rabbits. Guilt and Sin, hard and moaning, twined together in most interesting positions.

The last, and definitely least sane, was Farfarello, who was impervious to pain. He called Nagi his bitch, and the blender his love, but the telepath was the only one who knew his real name. He loved being hit by a golf club and at the same time, he fantasized introducing it to Takatori's behind.

This morning found Farfie sitting on the counter staring with rapt attention as he pureed various fruits and vegetables into what would be some (hopefully) semi-edible smoothies. Nagi was packing his bag for his help group as he made breakfast using his telekinesis. A breakfast that would undoubtedly have a few pieces of eggshells and the toast would be a little bit too black. Nagi had never picked up the idea of actually watching what was happening to breakfast. Their Almighty Leader Type, Crawford, was sitting at the table with his coffee and paper; looking like a husband out of the 'American Dream'. And then finally Schuldig decided to join them. Fresh out of the shower and flaunting his hair.

"Pantene Pro-V keeps my hair soft and manageable!" He declared loudly as all eyes fixed on him, his hands running through it suggestively as he posed half nude.

Eyes hidden behind glasses looked at him with disdain. "What do you know about commercial acting? You may have fangirls, but I've got experience and poise!" His lips twitched with a smirk and an eyebrow was raised. "Besides those who use Pantene are always on bottom."

Their gazes met and held and then the sparks did fly. The eggs were on fire as the duel was declared. "If you think you're so great then why don't you come over here and prove it?" Asked the red head with a snarl. He knew his worth, and as Youji could vouch, he was a veritable top who drove his lovers mad with desire.

The newspaper fell to the table; the coffee mug set down as he stood. The glasses came off and so did the jacket, followed by the tie, as the shirt was unbuttoned. Sleeves were rolled up as he stalked over there. "Lets go." He said with a most ominous look. The commercial was cued and he took his position.

Hands in his hair, he started to moan, his head tilting back as they all blankly stared. It continued for minutes or more. Farf's eyes turned to Nagi, who looked mighty uncomfortable. Farfie was then inclined to test Nagi's abilities again… The boy was tossed in the closet, and the psycho introduced him to a knife he called Cockett.

The duel continued unabated at the disappearance of the pair, orgasmic noises filling the kitchen and then a sudden stop, "Herbal Essences. It's a totally /Organic/ experience!" He exclaimed as he pulled a bottle out of thin air. Then with a smile at his redheaded foe, the slogan was continued. "For _Real_ Men!"

At this Schuldig bristled, and if looks could kill, our most esteemed leader would most surely be dead. But, since they can't, Schu did simply glare. And Brad looked right back as if he hadn't a care. "Anyone who moans like that must surely be bottom!" He declared as he pointed.

But Brad simply smiled and would have adjusted his glasses, but since they sat on the table, he most surely couldn't. "I am both top and bottom, and whatever I please, but only to one man, and that man is me."

The guilty one's jaw then did drop, his mind swirling round as he tried to rationalize such flexibility. Minutes later, the kitchen speaking in silence, the redhead did narrow his eyes and fling an accusation at the dread assassin leader. "Well then, you must be a cheat! 'Cause I saw you in bed with Nagi, early last week!"

At this Brad's eyes did narrow and flash, such an accusation as this, he most surely could not withstand! His hand then did lash out, laying down the Almighty Crawford Bitch Slap!

But as the recipient was not Nagi, Schuldig did most deftly avoid next week. Then there was a shriek of rage in the kitchen, and a hand found purchase in Brad's most well schooled hair. "Bitch!" Screamed the redhead as he responded with one of his own.

And the sounds 'coming' from the closet, was nothing but moans.

Another round of Bitch Slaps was dealt, and then did the scratching come into play. One toppled, on top of the other and Brad did grin as Schu lay on the floor. "This just goes to show that Pantene is for the uke." At which Schu did scream and shout, and push Crawford off with a well-placed kick!

At which point, who should wander out, but a sex-sated psycho and his telekinetic bitch! At which point, the boy did scream and curse that he was late for his help group and the kitchen was burning. And so out the door he ran, leaving Farfie to deal with the flames.

The one-eyed psycho sat and stared watching the flames as the other pair fought on the floor. Then who should come to the red head's rescue, but the Weiss Assassin, Youji! And after a brief scuffle and a tumble, the redhead and the blonde were found on the table, twisting and twining and moaning and groaning. 

And then Crawford to his room did disappear, a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo still clutched in his hands. The door was locked, and then sounds oh-so-interesting did emerge, and then 'came' the words, which were loudly shouted, "Herbal Essences! It's a totally… /Orgasmic/… Experience!"


End file.
